Being Me, Is hard

It is difficult but you are doing it to yourself.

you are purposely pushing people away by being unapproachable, moody, and atheist.

This is some of what I have had to hear lately. It's not completely untrue. Actually it's pretty much spot on.

I am being myself. I am trying to not consider, or when I consider trying to ignore, how what I post on Facebook or Twitter, and what I say and do will make others think of me.

I've always wanted to please others,

from previous post

"First one: I'm much too concerned about pleasing people, and being liked. No matter how much I tell myself I have worked out my self esteem issues, it's still there."

So that's a thing I have. So even though it doesn't seem that way it takes a hell of a lot of guts, cringing doubt induced fear and terror for me to go out and say and do what I do. To be myself, and be in your face about it. But I do it.

It takes a boat load of effort, cringing terror and nerve wracking fear to go out and apologise when I know I am wrong, but I do it.

It breaks my soft, silly-putty heart, every time I lose one more friend or one more family member.

I cringe into the ground whenever I write yet one more over sharing personal status on Facebook or Twitter.

So why do I do it? I've been asked. Why don't I just stop.

I guess some part of it is just knowing that sharing is what I do. It's what I need to do. When I don't share I get all wrapped up in myself and closed off.

I like sharing.

I like to know what goes on with people and I like them to know what goes on with me.

We're all human and as long as we hide our humanness we perpetuate this fallacy of perfection.

I share atheist and Anti-Theist posts as well as LGBT Rights and Anti-Spanking posts because that's the stuff I believe in guys. That's what I am passionate about.

Being Atheist is a little bit like Being Gay. You can't really hide it forever, but you never know who's gonna be okay with it and who isn't. And when you're an over sharer like I am it makes it even more impossible to hide.

I just gotta be myself, flaming, annoying, irritating Atheist, and hope it broadens a paradigm here and there.

I am not THE Atheist. I'm not even that clued up with all the atheist rhetoric etc. I didn't come to it by reading a book. The books came to me after I got there, so I like sharing the really cool annoying to christian quotes etc. Cause it's just as new to me, and it reinforces what I came to on my own.

Update on the Bipolar II and meds: 20/03/2012

Feeling okay. on 25mg Epitec and 1mg Fluanxol

Get these intense periods of exhaustion but they pass again. Gonna try getting some excersize today.

Love

I'm by no means the great romantic of my youth. Even though I am very much an idealist I lately feel more like a cynic or realist.

I have already spent almost 12 years with the man I love so that thrill of initial romance is long gone. The chemical reaction has been replaced by a more deeply felt and, for me, hard to explain kind of love.

Strangely enough when many people talk of love I think they talk of that chemical reaction. Love for me is a much more quiet and intense emotion. I never before realised the degrees of Love as truly and purely as I did in the last week or two.

I'm quite tired of putting disclaimers on things I say so if you don't agree, then don't sweat it. This is what I feel.

First there was my parents siblings and family. I felt a deep love for them. They where all I knew. They both hurt and loved me to varying degrees throughout my life. a Lot of it bad and a lot of it good. Hey we're all human.

Then as I got older I had friends from time to time who I felt more than just companionship with, but a degree of love. Those are usually still in my life to some extent or another.

Every now and again I'd also feel Love towards humanity as a whole, the planet, the universe. I always felt it hard to "love" a god who I didn't really know much about. At times I did really "feel " it though.

Now I think that "God" as such is much more abstract to me, and in a lot of ways really IS Love, and not even closely the guy sitting on his thrown in heaven as I was taught.

Then I met and Married my soul mate. We had more of companionship and camaraderie. I still feel very inseparable from him, but much less than at first.

It's easy to forget that for about the first 5 years we where together we'd do EVERYTHING together. I just felt like half a person without him. How healthy that is I don't know. Probably not very.

When Caitlin was born there started the biggest love affair of my life. There is no other person on this planet who I love more. my husband looses there. "Sorry love"

I'm still trying to figure out how much of that is Biological imperative, instinct, co-dependence, spiritual connection or just my inability to detach.

I need to realise, accept and fully understand and live that she is a spiritual being in her own right. That she has come here to make choices of her own, learn lessons of her own and become her own person. The last thing she needs is an over bearing over protective mother who projects her own emotions onto her.

I really do Love her though. I can not imagine my life without her. I'd hate to sound like a drama queen but I can't imagine life at all, without her.

To me we have spent many lives together, and for the first time in my life I started feeling less alone when she was born.

So I am starting to explore why it is I have this incredible need to not be alone. I spent the first 23 years of my life very much alone. Very much not in touch or truly connected to any other being. There where some connections but none strong enough to really make a permanent impact.

Now I sit with this ridiculous fear of not having my companions. I don't want to be on this earth without them.