When does it become a problem?

I have been going through a difficult time because of some issues surrounding my daughter.

Her Grade 1 teacher emailed me last week to say that my daughter has not done any of her work. She is so slow she is more than an hour behind everyone else in class. And the worst is she's not bothered by this.

I then sent her a mail back, saying I don't quite know how to address this. I have noticed that she gets bored quickly at home. She usually goes from one thing to the next without finishing one thing. Although on the other hand, when she is interested in something, like painting a picture, she sticks with it till the end.

The teacher then came back to me saying that she thinks I should take her to the pediatrician to be evaluated for ADD. 

I was a bit taken aback, shocked and a little bit pissed off. 

I know she is a very active child, but we do so well at home with routine. She's happy exuberant, playful, active and sporty. Yes, if she isn't interested in something she doesn't want to do it, and she particularly hates to write, she won't do it, or it will take a lot of persuasion to get her to do it. I have no idea why she all of a sudden hates writing, because last year it was the only thing she wanted to do..

So I had a little freak out. Got a lot of advice from people on Facebook. Called some people, and read up a bit. The Occupational therapist said that before they even consider something like ADD, they have a ton of other things to evaluate for, and they will do that. So we're going with them first.

Then if they recommend it, or if problems are still there then we need to think about getting an evaluation from a Child Psychiatrist.

Then today I went to speak to the teacher face to face, and a lot of things came out. The biggest problem for her is not that my daughter is slow with her work. It is that if she comments in any way about her not finishing her work on time she just stops working, and without showing any emotion she will just not do anything.

After a long chat about how we discipline at home, compared to what happens at school I've actually come to the conclusion that somewhere the relationship between my daughter and her teacher suffered. It's gotten to a point where she might have lost trust in her teacher, and might feel that it doesn't matter if she works hard, teacher is not giving her the attentions she wants for it. Or that she is craving the negative attention from her teacher.

Whatever it is, I think there's a long hard road ahead for us at the moment. Deep down I know that it is possible for her to have some attention issues, with her dad and me and our issues, that's a huge possibility. But I'm also confident that most of her current problems can be sorted out behaviourally, and that medication is not a necessity right now.

More thoughts on Parenting

I came to some conclusions after sharing this post in a closed FB group and on here. I asked the question If I am a weak parent.

The great thing about thinking things through by writing it down and making yourself accountable to people who are hoenst and gives you good feedback is it gives you the chance to be excruciatingly honest with yourself.

I came to a few conclusions.

Yes, I have been a bit weak in a few things. Wiping your butt and getting dressed is a skill a 6 year old should be able to acomplish by now. I guess I still babied her here, so I will definately need to pay attention to those areas, and I have already started to do it.

She might also be picking up on my uncertainty about some things, or my weaknesses and manipulating me for it.

She picked up on me being sick and not in the mood for fighting, and being unsure if she is sick or not, and it made for a soft stance on going to school from my perspective.

I'll also have to be stronger when it comes to supporting the school rules. I'm very permissive when it comes to things like, playtime, learning time, etc. I find I don't need to set rules about that at home as she easily does things she should by herself. She spends time playing with educational toys, prefers educational TV shows,

We also use a brand of discipline I learnt in Have a New Kid by Friday, byt Kevin Leman.. It is structured and the basics are A doesn't happen if B doesn't happen. If you don't do what is expected of you then you can not have XYZ, rewards.

I prefer a positive approach to discipline. I'm good at sticking to my guns, unless I don't see the import, and I guess the butt wiping and dressing didn't really come onto my radar up to recently.

As for the school issue. I think my Daughter is struggling with being one of many in a classroom situation. She is an only child and used to individual attention. She thrives on it. So with 26 children in a class with one teacher, she must feel a bit neglected. She's also a chatty Cathy and the poor teacher struggles to be able to listen to all the made up stories while having to dish out work and help all the kids. Unfortunately this is a reality of our schooling system.

I would love to home school, but with my issues, and our current situation, financially and physically it just won't work. I'm going to try to spend some time in the holidays to do a bit of unschooling/ homeschooling and see how it goes, but I need to work, she needs to interact with other kids socially, and she needs some adult roll models that are not family.

I'm way too much of a hermit to have confidence in my ability to provide that on my own.

So I have decided to go to the child psychiatrist. Discuss everything with him, see where it leads. I will be very resistant of any kind of diagnosis, and especially drug treatment. I would rather we did some occupational therapy and work on the few areas we have trouble with, for me and her.

Thank you for everyone's feedback

Am I a Weak parent?

I'm Quite upset, and this is the only place I could think to write about it. My 6 year old daughter has some issues. She doesn't like school, she refuses to wipe her own butt, and she doesn't want to dress herself. We're also continuously late for school because she doesn't really focus on any given task, and is resistent to getting ready.

Now I brought this up with my psychologist, because the morning of my session she refused to go to school, ( not a first, but a first time I gave in like this) She was crying so heartrendingly, and the only way I was going to get her to go was to actually physically pick her up and force her into the car.

Now she's 1.4m and 40kg's so physically almost impossible to do this, and other than that I put my foot down at physical violence. It seems cruel to me, and as she had been going at it for almost 45 minutes I did give in.

My husband was already late for work.

So my psychologist said I should have physically forced her to go to school. That I allowed her to manipulate me, that it seems to him I am a soft parent because I don't believe in spanking, and because I think it is cruel to manhandle my child.

He is also concerned about the issues I mentioned at first and is sending her for a psych evaluation and thinks she will probably get given an ADHD or Bipolar diagnosis, which he thinks might not be accurate.

I don't feel she's old enough to be labeled, even if something is wrong. I still struggle with my own Bipolar diagnosis some days, because it is a soft diagnosis, and if they come back with one for her I won't allow her to be medicated.

She's bored in school and she has attachment issues with me. I know that. It is most probably my fault because I have so many crappy issues that my boundaries have probably been a bit soft and I am too over protective.

I just feel horrid about this, and decided I'm just gonna have to pull myself together and try to improve my parenting but I WILL NOT manhandle her or spank her. I think discipline is not about pain and suffering. Am I wrong here? Am I so deluded that I am harming my child because I have childhood issues? I know I'm probably overcompensating, but I seriously don't know how not to do that.

In Any case when I got home she was sleeping, which she never does, which is either from being a bit under the weather, and I didn't notice or the emotional exhaustion of a difficult morning, which shows how intensely it affected her as well doesn't it?

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I have done an update here