Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life

The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is being a parent.

Trying to do the right thing. Figuring out between all the literature and research, and parenting fads, the one thing that will, not only work, but will make things bearable and easy.

Generally my daughter is a really GOOD child. She is happy and loving. I've also noticed a huge difference in her behaviour, and functioning since she has been on Concerta. It really works for her. When we forget to give her the meds, things go upside down, she's not able to concentrate or focus. She's all over the place, and her attention is all over the place. SHe just functions much better on the meds.

I have been concerned however. She's had a few intense episodes of sadness, and a few hectic episodes of anger. The other night she got so angry at her dad that she hit herself on her leg and it was red and a little swollen for ages. She felt so bad about it too, and was crying, asking me to please not tell anyone that she had done it.

I feel so sorry for her, because part of my bipolar symptoms were intense episodes of rage. I know how horrible it is, and I always turned it on myself. Since I've been in treatment my anger and frustration presents more as anxiety than anything else.

She has also been anxious. She tells me that sometimes she gets so scared for things that really aren't scary.

So I am concerned. I don't think children should really be diagnosed with Bipolar disorder before they are in their teens. Unless it is a really obvious case. I'm taking her to a psychiatrist now.

We've had some inconsistent behaviour on the medication too, and that might be because she is on about half the dosage for her age. But I know it still makes a significant difference.

It seems like this year she is suddenly struggling with homework, not wanting to do it because it feels too much for her. So I am also evaluating her extra mural activities, to see if that has an impact. She loves art, and enjoys swimming, but school work has to come first, or does it?

As an only child the activities also gives her opportunity to be social, instead of just sitting at home alone.

It's so hard to figure out the right thing to do. I know that before she was diagnosed with ADHD I said I wouldn't give her meds, but it has helped so much. However if she does get tagged as Bipolar I am not doing the meds. I'll rather do therapy and see if that helps.

This is all playing up my own anxiety, and I do struggle some days to cope with that. I've not taken more of the attivan, because if I get used to that I'll need it every day.

I'm just gonna try and do my best to get through this, and hope that something clicks somewhere, and we find a golden way out of this. I also need to take some deep breaths when things get challenging, and try not to let anxiety get the better of me, because that has a negative effect on her.

Update on Auditory issue

Okay, deep breath... Caitlin does have an auditory memory issue. It has been tested, and it is there. BUT as usual I saw something and my mind just ran with it and made myself go into anxiety mode. Something I have to deal with.

Yes, after talking to some level minded friends I have come to the realisation that maybe Harry Potter is just a little too advanced for her.

Yes, we read Alice in Wonderland last year, but I am more and more certain she probably didn't understand a thing, and just enjoyed the sound of my voice reading to her.

I'm still gonna try and figure out ways to help with the auditory memory. Her teacher would prefer we test it again, but FFS I don't have the money. She'll speak to the speech therapist for me though, so we can find a solution.

In the mean time I have to figure out something to do with this mind of mine, that goes into panic mode so quickly. Especially when it comes to Caitlin.

It seems most of what I post about her is done in a moment of panic, and then I feel better by the next day. Okay so if I didn't post in my panic periods I'd probably never post any blogs, but it is also a little embarresing.

I've always been an over thinker. I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow about my anxiety issues specifically. I don't want him to give me more long term anxiety drugs than what I am already on. I just want something to use when I go into complete panic mode. Yesterday wasn't even close to what I am capable of when anxiety attack happens. And I'd rather take a tranquilizer than use alcohol.

I also need to discuss all my meds option with him. I'm on so much for so many diff things now I just need him to keep everything straight in case of drug interactions

Auditory....crap!!

Ok I've been spoilt. Caitlin has always done pretty well with everything, and other than the problems with concentration and finishing her work that popped up this year, I would never have thought anything was wrong. So the whole story of her diagnosis and evaluations were very stressful for me. Of course me being me, my first thought is always, "What did I do Wrong?"

So yes her evaluation said her auditory memory was functioning at half her age, and I heard bla bla bla because in all the other areas she was functioning above her age. So it didn't really sink in, because it didn't seem to be a problem. We read stories every night, and she loves it. She loves her books. 

BUT.... she still insists on only picture books. and the more pictures the better. I just thought, of course, she's only 7. Then I heard from the yet another friend, they have started reading Harry Potter to their 6 year old, and how they love it. 

I decide, this is it, we have to start with a chapter book too. The first one I picked was Frank Baum's "The Life and Adventures of Santa Clause" It turns out to be written in a bit higher English than I bargained on, being it was a bit older. So I had to stop and explain every word, and then read and stop and explain every word, and then read, and stop and explain. It took us 30 minutes to get through one page, and I still don't know if she understood anything. English is not our first language, but she has always been VERY bilingual. Her best friends are English, and she speaks it like a native. So it came as such a huge surprise when she would understand Nothing of what I read. But then I thought, No, it must be the book. It's too difficult. So lets just skip to Harry Potter, which is written in much more simple language. 

So I read, adn I have to stop and explain ever word, and then I read and I have to stop and explain that word, and I read and I have to stop and explain that word. understanding... Nothing. 

And then even though I had explained a whole paragraph, she would start to panic, and ask me to start from the beginning and explain it again, and she would ask the exact same questions. 

It took us 30 minutes to read one page again. I'm a bit devastated. I don't know why I didn't realise how bad it was. 

So how do I fix this? Which specialist do we see for this? And While we try to find someone to help, I'm going to try and find Afrikaans books with less pictures that I can read to her, and see if it helps her a bit

Death and a six year old

I'm not sure if I have posted about my "death talk" to my daughter. It's something that has come up in the past. I've tried to explain the circle of life to her. At the time she found that satisfying, and she liked the whole concept, and it led us to talk about birth, and evolution etc.

Then later we came back to death, and she was quite upset. She was scared that her dad and I would die when we're really really old. She was scared that She would die too.

She wanted to know from me if we can come back and be babies again after we die. I told her that different people believe different things. Some people believe we go to a happy place called Heaven, and some people believe that we come back as babies again. Inevitably she asked me what I believed and I said I don't know what happens when we die, but I don't think anything happens. We go back to how it was before we were born, and we are all stardust, and stardust never dies.

She wasn't satisfied with that answer, but we got some books. The "Born with a bang" series, and by the time we finished them she was okay. She was the universe, and the universe was talking to her, but I believe a lot of that went over her head.

Then flash to last night in bed, where out of the blue she starts crying and going on " I don't want to die, I don't want to die" Hysterically sobbing. She was in such severe emotional pain that at that point I could have converted to a religion just to give her some peace of mind around death. But of course I can't.

I don't know where I went wrong. I struggle with death myself. As someone with depression it is something I have thought about a lot. To the point of obsession at times. I don't like that there is nothing after we die. I would love to be reincarnated, or go to some holiday resort in the sky. I just can't be so naive as to think they are real.

So how do I make my daughter feel better about a subject I myself don't like so much  I mean for goodness sake, one of the reasons I stopped smoking was because I fear death so much.

So she screamed and cried, and was so very very upset. Then she asked me if Jesus will bring us back to life again, and we can live again. At that point I was ready to lie, but before I got a word in she was sobbing she doesn't want to die again, so I didn;t say anything and just held her, and told her everything is okay. She is not going to die now. Everything is fine.

Eventually she fell into exhausted sleep. I still don't know what to say though. Obviously she is hearing some upsetting and conflicting things between school and home, and it's causing her great emotional pain. How do I handle that?

Testing the theory - More parenting

So last week was a tough parenting week for me. I got pissed off because someone called me a weak parent, and I through some toys out of my Parenting cot.

Then I realised, yes I am weak in certain areas, but that doesn't mean I have absolutely no boundaries. When it comes to parenting I am always pushing myself to be the best, so I know I am not a shitty parent, but I also had to admit there are some areas which defeat me.

Forcing my child to go to school being one, and forcing her to wipe her own behind being another.

So since last week I have had her wiping the first wipe by herself. She wasn't really happy about it, but did it. And then over the weekend I guess her dad and I let slip a bit, so yesterday when I told her first wipe is hers she freaked out. Ended up having a 30 min cry fest on the loo, in hysterics because she refuses to do it.

I stuck to my guns but eventually lost my cool and just took her hand in mine and made her wipe herself.
Not sure if it was the right thing, but there's just so much I can take.

Afterwards she was emotionally drained and had to lie on top of me for 30 min, while I comfort and clam her down before being okay enough to sit next to me.

This morning she just made a wee so I didn't think it would be a big deal, but the moment I reminded her first wipe is hers she absolutely freaked out again.

To make a long story short, I ended up dressing her for school and doing her hair while she was on the loo. Eventually I had to wipe her (she was getting late for school) And then she refused to go to school. It was snot and tears, and hiccups, and hysteria, and I knew I could not give in, but it was horrible to experience.

My heart broke for her on one hand, but on the other I had to stop being such a softy and stick to my guns.

So I stuck to them, she didn't want to brush her teeth, so I said, Fine, then we go without brushing teeth. Not putting on shoes? Fine then we go without shoes. Then I carried my 40kg child down the stairs to the car. We had to wait for her dad to pull the car closer, and while we waited she was begging me to please not have to go to school. I stuck to it then, and when she realised she wasn't going to get away with it she suddenly reminded me that we had "forgotten" to brush teeth and put on shoes.

So we quickly got that done. I still had to carry her to the car though. Luckily when she was in there, she started to calm down. Asked for her toy that she could take to school today, and tearfully said "Good bye I will miss you so much Mommy."

Broke my heart but it was done. I'll not kid myself that this will be the last time. I just hope that my resolve will stay strong every time.

I also have to still find out from her dad how it went on school side, but if I take a guess there was probably no issues with getting her into class. Mommy's the sucker it seems, but I guess sticking to your guns has its benefits

I'm just slightly worried that forcing her to wpe together with our old toilet training issues is not the best way to go about it. I don't want to do more harm, and it seems like it's going to be months until i manage to get to a professional about her just because I can't afford it now.

More thoughts on Parenting

I came to some conclusions after sharing this post in a closed FB group and on here. I asked the question If I am a weak parent.

The great thing about thinking things through by writing it down and making yourself accountable to people who are hoenst and gives you good feedback is it gives you the chance to be excruciatingly honest with yourself.

I came to a few conclusions.

Yes, I have been a bit weak in a few things. Wiping your butt and getting dressed is a skill a 6 year old should be able to acomplish by now. I guess I still babied her here, so I will definately need to pay attention to those areas, and I have already started to do it.

She might also be picking up on my uncertainty about some things, or my weaknesses and manipulating me for it.

She picked up on me being sick and not in the mood for fighting, and being unsure if she is sick or not, and it made for a soft stance on going to school from my perspective.

I'll also have to be stronger when it comes to supporting the school rules. I'm very permissive when it comes to things like, playtime, learning time, etc. I find I don't need to set rules about that at home as she easily does things she should by herself. She spends time playing with educational toys, prefers educational TV shows,

We also use a brand of discipline I learnt in Have a New Kid by Friday, byt Kevin Leman.. It is structured and the basics are A doesn't happen if B doesn't happen. If you don't do what is expected of you then you can not have XYZ, rewards.

I prefer a positive approach to discipline. I'm good at sticking to my guns, unless I don't see the import, and I guess the butt wiping and dressing didn't really come onto my radar up to recently.

As for the school issue. I think my Daughter is struggling with being one of many in a classroom situation. She is an only child and used to individual attention. She thrives on it. So with 26 children in a class with one teacher, she must feel a bit neglected. She's also a chatty Cathy and the poor teacher struggles to be able to listen to all the made up stories while having to dish out work and help all the kids. Unfortunately this is a reality of our schooling system.

I would love to home school, but with my issues, and our current situation, financially and physically it just won't work. I'm going to try to spend some time in the holidays to do a bit of unschooling/ homeschooling and see how it goes, but I need to work, she needs to interact with other kids socially, and she needs some adult roll models that are not family.

I'm way too much of a hermit to have confidence in my ability to provide that on my own.

So I have decided to go to the child psychiatrist. Discuss everything with him, see where it leads. I will be very resistant of any kind of diagnosis, and especially drug treatment. I would rather we did some occupational therapy and work on the few areas we have trouble with, for me and her.

Thank you for everyone's feedback

Am I a Weak parent?

I'm Quite upset, and this is the only place I could think to write about it. My 6 year old daughter has some issues. She doesn't like school, she refuses to wipe her own butt, and she doesn't want to dress herself. We're also continuously late for school because she doesn't really focus on any given task, and is resistent to getting ready.

Now I brought this up with my psychologist, because the morning of my session she refused to go to school, ( not a first, but a first time I gave in like this) She was crying so heartrendingly, and the only way I was going to get her to go was to actually physically pick her up and force her into the car.

Now she's 1.4m and 40kg's so physically almost impossible to do this, and other than that I put my foot down at physical violence. It seems cruel to me, and as she had been going at it for almost 45 minutes I did give in.

My husband was already late for work.

So my psychologist said I should have physically forced her to go to school. That I allowed her to manipulate me, that it seems to him I am a soft parent because I don't believe in spanking, and because I think it is cruel to manhandle my child.

He is also concerned about the issues I mentioned at first and is sending her for a psych evaluation and thinks she will probably get given an ADHD or Bipolar diagnosis, which he thinks might not be accurate.

I don't feel she's old enough to be labeled, even if something is wrong. I still struggle with my own Bipolar diagnosis some days, because it is a soft diagnosis, and if they come back with one for her I won't allow her to be medicated.

She's bored in school and she has attachment issues with me. I know that. It is most probably my fault because I have so many crappy issues that my boundaries have probably been a bit soft and I am too over protective.

I just feel horrid about this, and decided I'm just gonna have to pull myself together and try to improve my parenting but I WILL NOT manhandle her or spank her. I think discipline is not about pain and suffering. Am I wrong here? Am I so deluded that I am harming my child because I have childhood issues? I know I'm probably overcompensating, but I seriously don't know how not to do that.

In Any case when I got home she was sleeping, which she never does, which is either from being a bit under the weather, and I didn't notice or the emotional exhaustion of a difficult morning, which shows how intensely it affected her as well doesn't it?

******
I have done an update here

Finding my Normal

This bipolar thing is still a bit of a mental adjustment to me. For a little more than the time I started this blog in 2010 I think, I've suspected I have Bipolar II. I have a lot of the common "symptoms". I'm also a unique individual with my own interesting brand of crazy.

I am trying to focus on me, how I am at any given time, and even halfheartedly using an android app to track my moods. I have certain tools to my disposal. Yesterday was a very dark mood day, as was apparent by my post. But I know that when I feel like that I need to express, otherwise it festers. So after posting the blog I also chatted to a friend about what happened, and it seemed to have enabled me to move on. I feel on the better side of low today.

There's so much to read on the topic, even the psychiatrist gave me a book to read. Little secret, my concentration still sucks so I am only capable of a very little reading. 

The thing is I sigh and walk away when I see one more bipolar blog (haha how ironic) Or one more mental health article. They all say the same crap in the same way blah blah blah

Then I found Natasha Tracy. She writes so well, and I absolutely love all the different articles, so I'll probably be sharing a few. I'm not sure what the protocol is with that in the blogosphere.but this is one of my favourites: Mental Illness - What is normal anyway?

On the other hand I can't be too hard on bipolar blogs ( like this one seems to be turning into again....yuck) they did help me ask myself those tough questions that led me to my eventual diagnosis and asking for help. Lets just be clear about this blog though. If it manages to help someone else, Great. But it is mainly my own exploration of myself. It is me finding me. SO I have no delusions about saving the world through my half assed writing.

Of course the internet is full of scary facts around any health topic so one needs to tread with caution. Right now I am terribly scared that my almost 6 year old is exhibiting more and more signs of probable childhood onset bipolar.

I was on meds while pregnant with her, and with my genetics, she has something like a 25%  chance. She has all my other crappy genetic traits. A-topic dermatitis, and asthma. She looks like a mini me. She could have been cloned for that matter.

I hope this one passes her by. I look at her having severe mood-swings and anger outbursts for absolutely no reason and wonder. I just wonder. I kinda hope she's just a brat. I'm also scared this is her acting out because of me,

I've tried to buffer her from my worst days, but she's not always been completely out of the line of fire. I try my best. We don't spank, we do positive parenting. I try to be firm but gentle and loving. Anyhow this aint a parenting blog either. Let me get on with my day, and you with yours. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment

pRaising Children

I came to some really significant realisations about myself and about my family during this December holiday. I don't want to overwhelm and bore you all to death so this might be a multi-part series ( although we all know how I suck with following up with those) So let's just see how it goes.

First one: I'm much too concerned about pleasing people, and being liked. No matter how much I tell myself I have worked out my self esteem issues, it's still there.

This was such an epiphany that it seemed to have shocked me into getting over it. There's still a bit of it left, and I honestly don't think I will ever be able to completely let go of that need for approval, but it has made me especially aware of not creating the same in my daughter.

I've been reading up a lot about self esteem ( she seems okay there)

But there's one area ( the need to please, or to receive praise) that I might have messed up a bit. Apparently it is not a good idea to just keep praising your child for everything

*insert surprised face*"It's Not?"

I've been the queen of "Good Job" "Awesome" "You're so clever" OOPS.

That is what creates the need to please. It apparently teaches the child that he/she needs outside approval in order to feel validated, instead of an intrinsic sense of accomplishment.

So how does one remedy it? Can it be remedied? I immediately went off to Google some more and read a few articles. What is helpful is to remember the following, Always comment on what you SEE, and ask questions. Get really involved in a conversation.

So instead of the usual "Good Job" I will say,

"Wow I see you used so many different colours in your picture today",

"What is that?",

"Tell me more about your picture",

"I can see you enjoyed doing that",

" You did it"

It's been a bit difficult to remember, and I have to really THINK about it. But at the moment my daughter is way too invested in what I say about what she does for it to be healthy, so I hope our new approach will have a positive effect soon.

Here are some articles you might be interested in on the subject:

Five Reasons to stop saying Good Job by Alfie Kohn ( has some nice tips on what to do instead)

Don't Praise your Children from The Power of Prime, The cluttered mind uncluttered, by Jim Taylor, Ph.D.

Praising Children Positively by BLAINE

It is quite amazing to think the more self aware I become the better I can adjust and adapt my parenting to make sure I do not saddle my child with my own baggage. It's so wonderful to know no matter what, I am an aware parent. I am aware of my own short comings, I am aware of my child's needs, and I am aware when I fail, when something doesn't work, and when it does. I'm not perfect by any means and I make a lot of mistakes, but I try my darnedest to fix them as soon as I realise.

In this rushed and busy life I choose to take the time to focus on my child and on myself in order to benefit us both. As I raise her I also have the opportunity to raise myself.

All is Choice- Part 1

The "all is choice " thing is a complete mind fuck to me right now. The easy part of it is going around telling everyone they have complete control and responsibility for their choices.

Now tell yourself that?

We go through one day making a multitude of minor choices instinctively or through habit. We don't consider them choices. You don't think about the fact that getting up in the morning to go to work is a choice.
Breathing is a choice.
Our bodies make it subconsciously but we can decide on it in a very different conscious way. By either taking the cowards way out to commit suicide, or by taking small habitual, addictive choices by not stopping smoking, not being healthy.

By doing dangerous things for whatever reason are we trying to force our bodies to stop breathing? Are we making that choice when we decide that it's just too hard to quit smoking it's just too hard to live healthy?

I'm asking myself these hard questions. The only judgment here is towards myself.

How far does choice go? Sometimes you don't get given a choice between right and wrong, between good and evil. Your choice might only be between 2 wrongs. How do you decide on the lesser evil?

The thing that has triggered this questioning in my mind was a minor unimportant episode yesterday. My dad and I usually drive to work together with his bakkie ( truck, which only has 2 seats) so my husband takes our daughter to school and picks her up so she'll be safe in her car seat.

The shop where we buy groceries is right across from the school so every now and again, on our way home, dad and I will stop there.

Last night going to the shop we saw about 10 police vehicles parked around the school, men in uniform where walking around and as this is South Africa I immediately thought something of a criminal nature must have happened.

I guess my choices where to stay calm and ask someone what was going on, or to panic a bit. Once again This is South Africa, if you see more than 2 cop cars together you think the worst. I mean we barely have enough police to go around as it is so if there are 10 together something VERY BAD must have happened.

So I told my dad "fuck it, I need to get my child, she'll have to sit on my lap
" I have always been very obsessive about car safety so for me to make this decision I must really have been very scared.

I didn't consciously have the time to dissect my emotions and evaluate them rationally. My child might be in danger I reacted like a Mother Lion.

It ended up being the friggin Mayor of Bellville coming to have a look at the surroundings as he would be visiting there on Saturday for some reason.

There are many things about that which pisses me off. We don't have enough police to investigate crimes properly or to respond to emergencies, but we have enough to send about 20 into a 3km walking route to ensure the safety of Mr Mayor, and thereby scare the living daylights out of parents on their way to pick up there babies from school? I guess I have the choice to get angry or to just let it go. I'm still hovering in between

On the other hand it also revealed a bit about my thought processes, and about the working of choice. I have no answers yet, but will keep thinking and rolling it around in my mind. I am the over thinker, and I don't care. That's who I am.

Sometimes I just don't know

Well, Most of the time I just don't know.

At least I am feeling more "normal" today. Good thing else all the non important work and relationship worries I am facing today might have sent me into a full blown Depression. I don't even want to use the D word. Much more of a swear word to me than Fuck or shit.

Anyhow don't wanna talk about that Monkey on my back. The one that's most on my mind today is the person who gave birth to me.

I guess from about the time I realised there was something not quite right with myself, I have known there's something not quite right with my mother.

When I think of my emotions regarding her during my growing up years, I recall the fear, dread, stomach in knots, that moment right between where her car pulled up in the driveway till where she walked in the door and I could figure out what type of mood she is in. It would come out quickly, most times.

I'd be able to see if it was a quiet/irritable one, a full blown Demon of anger one, or a good one.

During the good ones, she'd actually pretend to listen to whatever I was excitedly rushing out to tell her about my day. She'd have this faint preoccupied smile on her face. I would blabber on and on. Deep inside knowing she's not actually listening. Still denying it to myself. And usually when I Knew she wasn't paying attention I would start acting out in some way.

I can now look back, as a parent, at how I used negative behaviour to try and get some true attention from my mother. At least when she was busy criticising me, she was there, in the moment. She was listening. She was seeing me. She didn't know or understand me. But right then and there she wasn't thinking of anything else, except how bad I was right then.