Testing the theory - More parenting

So last week was a tough parenting week for me. I got pissed off because someone called me a weak parent, and I through some toys out of my Parenting cot.

Then I realised, yes I am weak in certain areas, but that doesn't mean I have absolutely no boundaries. When it comes to parenting I am always pushing myself to be the best, so I know I am not a shitty parent, but I also had to admit there are some areas which defeat me.

Forcing my child to go to school being one, and forcing her to wipe her own behind being another.

So since last week I have had her wiping the first wipe by herself. She wasn't really happy about it, but did it. And then over the weekend I guess her dad and I let slip a bit, so yesterday when I told her first wipe is hers she freaked out. Ended up having a 30 min cry fest on the loo, in hysterics because she refuses to do it.

I stuck to my guns but eventually lost my cool and just took her hand in mine and made her wipe herself.
Not sure if it was the right thing, but there's just so much I can take.

Afterwards she was emotionally drained and had to lie on top of me for 30 min, while I comfort and clam her down before being okay enough to sit next to me.

This morning she just made a wee so I didn't think it would be a big deal, but the moment I reminded her first wipe is hers she absolutely freaked out again.

To make a long story short, I ended up dressing her for school and doing her hair while she was on the loo. Eventually I had to wipe her (she was getting late for school) And then she refused to go to school. It was snot and tears, and hiccups, and hysteria, and I knew I could not give in, but it was horrible to experience.

My heart broke for her on one hand, but on the other I had to stop being such a softy and stick to my guns.

So I stuck to them, she didn't want to brush her teeth, so I said, Fine, then we go without brushing teeth. Not putting on shoes? Fine then we go without shoes. Then I carried my 40kg child down the stairs to the car. We had to wait for her dad to pull the car closer, and while we waited she was begging me to please not have to go to school. I stuck to it then, and when she realised she wasn't going to get away with it she suddenly reminded me that we had "forgotten" to brush teeth and put on shoes.

So we quickly got that done. I still had to carry her to the car though. Luckily when she was in there, she started to calm down. Asked for her toy that she could take to school today, and tearfully said "Good bye I will miss you so much Mommy."

Broke my heart but it was done. I'll not kid myself that this will be the last time. I just hope that my resolve will stay strong every time.

I also have to still find out from her dad how it went on school side, but if I take a guess there was probably no issues with getting her into class. Mommy's the sucker it seems, but I guess sticking to your guns has its benefits

I'm just slightly worried that forcing her to wpe together with our old toilet training issues is not the best way to go about it. I don't want to do more harm, and it seems like it's going to be months until i manage to get to a professional about her just because I can't afford it now.

More thoughts on Parenting

I came to some conclusions after sharing this post in a closed FB group and on here. I asked the question If I am a weak parent.

The great thing about thinking things through by writing it down and making yourself accountable to people who are hoenst and gives you good feedback is it gives you the chance to be excruciatingly honest with yourself.

I came to a few conclusions.

Yes, I have been a bit weak in a few things. Wiping your butt and getting dressed is a skill a 6 year old should be able to acomplish by now. I guess I still babied her here, so I will definately need to pay attention to those areas, and I have already started to do it.

She might also be picking up on my uncertainty about some things, or my weaknesses and manipulating me for it.

She picked up on me being sick and not in the mood for fighting, and being unsure if she is sick or not, and it made for a soft stance on going to school from my perspective.

I'll also have to be stronger when it comes to supporting the school rules. I'm very permissive when it comes to things like, playtime, learning time, etc. I find I don't need to set rules about that at home as she easily does things she should by herself. She spends time playing with educational toys, prefers educational TV shows,

We also use a brand of discipline I learnt in Have a New Kid by Friday, byt Kevin Leman.. It is structured and the basics are A doesn't happen if B doesn't happen. If you don't do what is expected of you then you can not have XYZ, rewards.

I prefer a positive approach to discipline. I'm good at sticking to my guns, unless I don't see the import, and I guess the butt wiping and dressing didn't really come onto my radar up to recently.

As for the school issue. I think my Daughter is struggling with being one of many in a classroom situation. She is an only child and used to individual attention. She thrives on it. So with 26 children in a class with one teacher, she must feel a bit neglected. She's also a chatty Cathy and the poor teacher struggles to be able to listen to all the made up stories while having to dish out work and help all the kids. Unfortunately this is a reality of our schooling system.

I would love to home school, but with my issues, and our current situation, financially and physically it just won't work. I'm going to try to spend some time in the holidays to do a bit of unschooling/ homeschooling and see how it goes, but I need to work, she needs to interact with other kids socially, and she needs some adult roll models that are not family.

I'm way too much of a hermit to have confidence in my ability to provide that on my own.

So I have decided to go to the child psychiatrist. Discuss everything with him, see where it leads. I will be very resistant of any kind of diagnosis, and especially drug treatment. I would rather we did some occupational therapy and work on the few areas we have trouble with, for me and her.

Thank you for everyone's feedback

Am I a Weak parent?

I'm Quite upset, and this is the only place I could think to write about it. My 6 year old daughter has some issues. She doesn't like school, she refuses to wipe her own butt, and she doesn't want to dress herself. We're also continuously late for school because she doesn't really focus on any given task, and is resistent to getting ready.

Now I brought this up with my psychologist, because the morning of my session she refused to go to school, ( not a first, but a first time I gave in like this) She was crying so heartrendingly, and the only way I was going to get her to go was to actually physically pick her up and force her into the car.

Now she's 1.4m and 40kg's so physically almost impossible to do this, and other than that I put my foot down at physical violence. It seems cruel to me, and as she had been going at it for almost 45 minutes I did give in.

My husband was already late for work.

So my psychologist said I should have physically forced her to go to school. That I allowed her to manipulate me, that it seems to him I am a soft parent because I don't believe in spanking, and because I think it is cruel to manhandle my child.

He is also concerned about the issues I mentioned at first and is sending her for a psych evaluation and thinks she will probably get given an ADHD or Bipolar diagnosis, which he thinks might not be accurate.

I don't feel she's old enough to be labeled, even if something is wrong. I still struggle with my own Bipolar diagnosis some days, because it is a soft diagnosis, and if they come back with one for her I won't allow her to be medicated.

She's bored in school and she has attachment issues with me. I know that. It is most probably my fault because I have so many crappy issues that my boundaries have probably been a bit soft and I am too over protective.

I just feel horrid about this, and decided I'm just gonna have to pull myself together and try to improve my parenting but I WILL NOT manhandle her or spank her. I think discipline is not about pain and suffering. Am I wrong here? Am I so deluded that I am harming my child because I have childhood issues? I know I'm probably overcompensating, but I seriously don't know how not to do that.

In Any case when I got home she was sleeping, which she never does, which is either from being a bit under the weather, and I didn't notice or the emotional exhaustion of a difficult morning, which shows how intensely it affected her as well doesn't it?

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I have done an update here