Being Me, Is hard

It is difficult but you are doing it to yourself.

you are purposely pushing people away by being unapproachable, moody, and atheist.

This is some of what I have had to hear lately. It's not completely untrue. Actually it's pretty much spot on.

I am being myself. I am trying to not consider, or when I consider trying to ignore, how what I post on Facebook or Twitter, and what I say and do will make others think of me.

I've always wanted to please others,

from previous post

"First one: I'm much too concerned about pleasing people, and being liked. No matter how much I tell myself I have worked out my self esteem issues, it's still there."

So that's a thing I have. So even though it doesn't seem that way it takes a hell of a lot of guts, cringing doubt induced fear and terror for me to go out and say and do what I do. To be myself, and be in your face about it. But I do it.

It takes a boat load of effort, cringing terror and nerve wracking fear to go out and apologise when I know I am wrong, but I do it.

It breaks my soft, silly-putty heart, every time I lose one more friend or one more family member.

I cringe into the ground whenever I write yet one more over sharing personal status on Facebook or Twitter.

So why do I do it? I've been asked. Why don't I just stop.

I guess some part of it is just knowing that sharing is what I do. It's what I need to do. When I don't share I get all wrapped up in myself and closed off.

I like sharing.

I like to know what goes on with people and I like them to know what goes on with me.

We're all human and as long as we hide our humanness we perpetuate this fallacy of perfection.

I share atheist and Anti-Theist posts as well as LGBT Rights and Anti-Spanking posts because that's the stuff I believe in guys. That's what I am passionate about.

Being Atheist is a little bit like Being Gay. You can't really hide it forever, but you never know who's gonna be okay with it and who isn't. And when you're an over sharer like I am it makes it even more impossible to hide.

I just gotta be myself, flaming, annoying, irritating Atheist, and hope it broadens a paradigm here and there.

I am not THE Atheist. I'm not even that clued up with all the atheist rhetoric etc. I didn't come to it by reading a book. The books came to me after I got there, so I like sharing the really cool annoying to christian quotes etc. Cause it's just as new to me, and it reinforces what I came to on my own.

Update on the Bipolar II and meds: 20/03/2012

Feeling okay. on 25mg Epitec and 1mg Fluanxol

Get these intense periods of exhaustion but they pass again. Gonna try getting some excersize today.

Coming out

I have been non-religious, non-christian for at least 13 or so years (I struggle to pin it down). It's not something I had been hiding but it's also not something I had been discussing.

I got married in 2003 by a non-denominational "spiritual" person who didn't mention God once in her "talk" lol. My Uncle prayed for everyone afterwards ( I guess he got the clue no one else seemed to have gotten)

Since October 2009 I have been going through a lot of heightened personal growth and a lot of inner self discovery is going on. The Michael Teachings calls it 4th Internal Monad or (IM), and I have talked about that.

It could be seen as a mid life crisis, or a search for self, whatever you want to call it, it has been a very big part of my recent life.

In social situations I usually discuss Childcare or other philosophy, politics mixed with philosophy, theories etc. I don't do much frivolousness. Sadly I've lost friends because of that.

So when I recently had a little chat with my mom about my daughter and how they are just overdoing the Christian thing at school I did not expect the " You don't believe in GOD!!!!! How could you??!!! How DARE you not raise my grandchild in Christian values." hysterical reply.

I was horrified to be honest. I quietly told her I don't think we should discuss this right now, in such an emotional way, that I will respect and always have respected her choices, and just ask the same from her.

In the mean time it seems the trend has spread through my once seemingly tolerant family. The more vocal and honest and open I am about what I say and what I share on Facebook, the more vocal and open they get about their disapproval. I have decided to call myself an Atheist in order to just cut through the crap. Many people seem to think Agnostic means there is hope for them to convert me.

I've been the devout Christian. I have been the doubting Thomas. I'm not anymore. I am fine where I am. Can I have some peace please.

A stab in the heart is receiving the same intolerant treatment from my gay younger brother, who I stood by supported, and comforted when he was scared of being treated with intolerance by our parents and conservative family. Thanx Dude

I'm walking a path here. I don't have all the answers but I am learning what works for me. I guess I will have to find the internal fortitude to withstand these emotional attacks. I do feel stronger than I have in a long time, more hopeful and more positive, even while this is still a stone in my heart.

Being me, is enough

I sometimes wonder if it is really enough to just be me. Be myself, in whatever fallible or unacceptable way. Does that lead to happiness? Is happiness even something that can be real and lasting or should we just be "happy" with the occasional times when we do feel Happy, and let the rest go.

Mostly I feel content.... I lie. Mostly I feel discontent... not even that. Mostly I feel like maybe I could be more than I am. I like myself, but I have not made peace with the fact that I am not enough for many others. That they would in some way seek to improve me. Improve on what I am, who I am, how I am.

I like it that I search and explore life, not intent on finding any specific destination, but constantly intrigued by all there is to learn and know. I would like to experience more of life instead of just to learn more, so I have tried to do that slowly and in little ways.

I mostly don't mind that some strangers or friends find me "unacceptable" in whatever way. That some find me in some way displeasing, or not to their liking.

But I occasionally get slightly sad...no I get quite melancholy when I realise, after having told myself over and over that it doesn't matter, that my family sees me in this light.

I realise that my whole life I had not been good enough in some way, or pretty enough, or clever enough, or hard working enough. I had not married rich enough, I am not fashionable enough, thin enough, or pliable enough.

I used to be too shy, but am now not quiet enough, but when I am quiet I am too quiet, and when I speak I speak too much. When I don't drink alcohol, I am unsocial, but when I do drink I drink too much. When I don't know what they are talking about I am quite an outcast, but when I have an opinion I will be cast out.

I feel sad that so much of my life was wasted to attempt to find some kind of acceptance in a family I have very much loved forever. After many years of feeling like the stranger in a strange land though, I sadly come to a realisation that somewhere I will have to accept that I can not be accepted by them, and that this is as a result of my own growth and finding myself. I feel that I have to learn this again and again, year by year. I will be fine with it for some month's until another family holiday appears, and I am reminded of the taste of rejection.

I am not in denial about it. I accept it with great sadness in my heart, and wish it was different, knowing it never will be. I still like me, but my heart breaks that they do not. And by rejecting me they reject my daughter who will never know the joy's of large family get togethers, and fortunately never the pain of family rejection.

I could pretend to not be me, for someone else sake pretend to be what they want me to be, but having done this for 35 years with great failure, how can I now succeed. No. I do not believe I could be all they would want me to be, because I do not think they know what they want me to be.

I think to me this is probably much bigger than it is to any other member of my extended family. To me this probably brings much more emotion than to any one member of a family who do not really know me, want to know me, or in any way even think to care. For if they actually did, surely this would not be so hard.

So will my happiness lie in just forgetting that they exist? Or not caring about them, should I not feel so much?

Should I be less wanting of their love?

I'm not sure I think I have confused myself again and might not post this at all.

Then on the other hand why should I apologise for being an emotional being, and for feeling this so deeply. Why have I always had the idea that I must hide my true emotions at every point. I refuse to do that. I am who I am and will be me. In that process I might have to share my pain, and be rejected for it. That would add to my pain, but I must be able to experience it in my own way in order to get through it somehow.

My Soul Mate Story: Part 2 Arno

When I was 16, I had a best friend. A true BFF. We where as close as only 2 high school girls from dysfunctional families could be.

The story of how I met Arno is also the story of my friendship with Benita. His sister.

I recently read some of the letters she wrote me at this stage of our lives, and it was so cloyingly, sickeningly sweet and soppy. Kind of hard for me to see myself as that naïve, innocent, co-dependant, teenage being. I’ve built so many walls in my life since then, had so many shattering experiences, it feels like a different person.

I always knew Benita had a brother, but I had never met him. She and I were in school together since grade 1 to 3, Then again in High school. We only got close again in High school, by that time Arno had already left school, and went to the Air force for his compulsory Basic training.

I went home with Benita to do homework one day, when he walked in the door. I stood in the passage, looked up and saw this being, surrounded by light. It was like a physical shock to my heart and gut. I instantly turned red, could barely look at him, and could barely speak.

I was struck dumb, and felt myself turning a fiery hot red. Benita still asked me if I was okay, and I mumbled something about probably coming down with a fever. She said “Yes, you don’t look well”

I had to get out of there as soon as possible, just to be able to breathe. After that first meeting Arno was around a lot when I spent time with Benita. We talked from time to time, mostly about music. Whenever I could force myself to control my voice, not stumble on words and actually make sense.

This continued on for a while. He was in my dreams, he was in my fantasies, and I was completely consumed by him every waking and sleeping moment. I thought it was just another annoying crush, which I would eventually get over.

Things took a turn for the worst when Benita ran away from home to live with her Boyfriend and his parents. Like I said, we where both from pretty dysfunctional families, and she tried to escape hers. She got pregnant at 16, and her parents forced her to get married, which she did.

At that time her mother and Arno frequently phoned me. I later found out that his mother pushed Arno into staying in contact with me, as she was hoping I would be a source of information regarding Benita, who she had pushed away, and broke all contact with. Arno later told me that I was so shy, and scared all the time, he never felt completely comfortable around me.

We even went on 2 dates. One to see an Australian band and one to see a movie. In both instances I was way too self conscious and shy to in any way be able to converse with this Godlike creature, who I could not believe would have the slightest interest in me.
Well by the Time I was in my last year of school I think it just got too much for me. The constant intensity of my self consciousness was too overwhelming.

We stayed in contact over the phone, where I had no problem to talk to him at all, and this was it. Benita and I had had a falling out at that stage, as her mother was using me to get to her, and Benita felt very threatened by her mothers overbearing controlling manipulations and obsessions.

We parted ways, which was very painful to me, and I spent many nights on the phone with Arno, crying about this. Both of us being able to share our saddest emotions around this tragedy.

After school I left Cape Town and went to Film school in Pretoria. My 2 years in Technicon was the start of a very intense growing up experience, filled with Self destruction, meeting my Twin Flame, and getting to know the real me.

I broke all contact with everyone from the past. I was not this shy, self concious, blushing child anymore. I found false bravado, false self esteem, and false value in many things.

A lot of first steps where taken, and I found it painful to look back at that child I had been.

From time to time, when I was home for the holidays I would phone Arno and Benita’s parents and find out how things where going with them, but I had no more contact with either of them. This was how I found out about Arno getting married, his parents kicking him out of the house, and disowning him for it. This was just a part of the pattern that they’ve been following throughout the time I’ve known them.

Lanee’s message

On the flight back from the USA I listened to Lanee’s message more than once, on the walkman I specifically bought for that purpose.

I was a bit disappointed about the time frame change, and I was even more sceptical now than ever before. How in the world would I ever get together with a man I firstly could not come near in all the time I knew him? He was married, I knew they had a baby, he never showed any interest in me, beyond friendship.

Where would he be? Do I really want this? I just came out of a very nice little relationship which caused me great pain in the end, so do I really want to form a stronger attachment. If Rob was a pre-view of Arno, did I really want the real thing?

I landed in South Africa mid July 1998. My time was filled with reuniting with family and friends. I even ran into an old comrade from Technicon, who wasn’t even supposed to be in CT. I told him all about Lanee, what she said, Arno, and how I am struggling to not pick up the phone and phone his parents even.

Another friend from Tech, visited with me and we spent a day at the V&A Waterfront looking at crystals and stones, as Lanee had given me a list of Crystals and what they could be used for.

After that weekend I just couldn’t wait anymore. It had been a month. I was dying inside. I had resolved my issues with Rob, I spent time reuniting with family, and I was alone again. I was alone, bored, frustrated. I was living in a house with younger souls again, and the day to day friction was driving me to despair again.

I so badly needed to hold onto the magic, light and hope that Lanee was in my life I decided to phone Arno and Benita’s parents and just find out where everyone was. It would make me feel slightly better, and more resigned if I could let it go and find some way to at least know.

The moment his mom heard it was me, she told me. Her and Arno where at the V&A Waterfront that Saturday and they saw me. They where trying to remember my name. They didn’t call to me or anything, but Arno wanted to, but felt bad not being able to remember my name.

They’d been trying to figure it out ever since. She told me he had been divorced, and told me the whole terrible story behind it.
Arno was working close to where I lived, and she took my phone nr to give to him. (Oops did I give it to her)

His, now, ex wife had cheated on him, which he only found out after they where divorced, and the baby was most probably not his. That’s the short version.

I spent over an hour on the phone with his mom listening to the whole sordid tale though.

Eventually we rang off. I just sat there, overwhelmed, kind of excited, a little bit scared, and decided Lanee was wrong. I was supposed to find him. How else could he find me? He was free from the commitments I though prevented us from being together “in the right and proper way” according to Lanee.

I needed him. I did not want to be alone inside my head anymore. I had a taste of what things could be like. I did not want to go back to my old life of lonely self destruction. I was ready. And then the phone rang again. I was still sitting there. It was him.

Arno phoned me. He had been trying to get through to his mom’s line for the hour that I was talking to her. He had remembered my name and wanted to phone her to tell her. He got my number from her.

That was the beginning of our Romance. He visited me the next day. A month later we where a couple, and we where ready to commit.

Meeting my Soul Mate: Part 1 Two Soul mates and a Fragment

On the first evening I met Lanee, she channelled information for me. I still have the tape and listened to it again a few weeks ago.
It’s amazing how much information I missed at that first meeting, as there was just one thing I was really interested in.

Being 22 and in and out of meaningless, hard, non flowing semi-relationships, I wanted to know about relationships. I wanted to know who I was meant to spend my life with, if anyone.

I forgot how close I was to giving up at that stage. I was tired of this life, and I had lost hope. I did have comrades around me, but very little Soul Family, the few around me where younger souls, so I very much felt like an adult surrounded by children. I had earlier spent about 2 years with my Twin Essence, a very close connection, but one so intense; we could never be more than just platonic friends. Looking back I know the best for us, in this life time was to go our separate ways as we quite easily prevented each other from attaining the goals of this life. My decisions around our friendship caused one very obvious split in probabilities for me, and sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I followed the other path. But that’s a story for another day

Meeting Lanee was like an injection of magic and rejuvenation into my veins. As clearly as she had been waiting to meet me, I had known for so long, be it subconsciously, that I had to meet her. That night proved to be the start of everything I had been hoping for.

My relationship with her, on a spiritual level was quite clear and obvious, to her, but my own validation and realisation only came much later. We are both fragments of the same essence. I could identify with so much she had experienced, because I had been feeling the effects of her experiences in my dreams and subconscious. She knew me inside out from the very first meeting.

She had a couple of years on me, but in essence we where the same. That first night I asked her how old she was, and she said “How old do you think I am?” I said “36?” Turns out she was 63. She knew my most secret inner thoughts like they where her own, as they where in some respects.

In Spirit we where together. How interesting, magical and awesome to meet another human being who knew how you felt, why you felt it, and completely understood your inner struggles and desires as completely as another facet of yourself?

We also started mirroring experiences shortly after getting together. This, for me, in hindsight seems to be the biggest reason why we could not stay physically together for very long. What use in a Soul having more than one fragment if the fragments joined forces where they where supposed to have separate experiences. I could be wrong, have never really read much more on this.

Lanee and I were not mirror images, but we were more like different colours of the same dress, different petals on the same flower, and different expressions of the same essence.

Well in her first message to me she told me I had met 2 of my soul mates in this lifetime. The one I have a pre-life agreement with to share this life, and who I had spent many past lifetimes with, I had met when I was 16. We had shared energy at that time, and I had felt like I was “Not good enough for him” That was not the right time for us to be together in the right and proper way, so we had “lost touch”

I knew who she was taking about, but to my own frustration and disbelief I could not remember his name, and spent the rest of her message, thinking about this, rather than listening. Good thing it was on tape and I could listen to it again later.

While Lanee and I took a break in the middle of her message I got it in a flash. Anton. I blurted it out, and as I said it I knew it wasn’t right. It was almost right. It wasn’t completely right. Anton….Anton…hmmm

I also told her there is no way that we Can be together, because even though I had lost touch with him, I knew for a fact that he was married and he had a baby. I had much darkness in me at this stage, but I could not break up a marriage.

Lanee just told me to chill, and let it be. That night, at home I remembered his name. Arno. Not Anton.

Next time I saw her, I told Lanee. It was easily explained by her, but I only got my validation of her explanation much later, so I was still sceptical.

She said he’s been Anton in a recent past Life, actually one in which we where both male, stage performers in France. The place she thought I’d be coming from.

She told me quite a bit, which I will share with you, before sharing the validations. We had spent many lives together, but often we would not complete our relationship. There was mostly something that separated us, some taboo (The gay thing) or some other reason why we would be separated.

He had spent more lives as a female than I had, which meant, in this life, our roles would be very much balanced, and non traditional.

She told me she does not think he is still with his wife, and she does not think he has any spiritual connection to either her, or the baby. It was purely Karmic. I had trouble to accept or believe this.

She thought I would probably meet him within 2 weeks from getting back to South Africa, but I would meet someone before I went back, who is an old comrade of his from past lives, and will give me just a bit of a taste of how it would be, to find him. This Comrade will also help me clear Karma around my only other incarnated Soul Mate, let’s call him D, who I had met when I was 18, and still had very many unresolved issues around.

She also told me in no uncertain terms, these are probabilities, and that she could not set a time frame around anything, as time is quite challenging.

Validations.

3 Weeks before I returned to South Africa I met Rob. Up to Rob I had not really truly had a relationship. My life was filled with flirtations, one night stands, and other self destructive relationships. Rob artfully picked me up in a bar; I artfully tried to ignore him, as I chose to not agree with Lanee’s “prediction” of a Comrade. How could I cheat on the Soul Mate I knew was out there?

I told Rob I only have 3 weeks left in the USA ,the last thing I needed was another attachment I would find hard to break, and I also wasn’t interested in a one night stand. In Hind site this was probably an attractive prospect for him, as we had no hope for anything other than just Fun. He didn’t give up.

Firstly Rob was very handsome, and I couldn’t honestly see why he would be interested in me at all. I decided to give it a shot and see what happened.

I got attached, my own fault really. We proceeded to spend every free moment together. I thought it really unfair that I would meet someone so close to going home, when I have just wanted to have someone to share my love with, for so long.

We had fun though. It was great. I had never really felt so comfortable to be myself, never experienced the kindness he had given me, and I very quickly introduced him to all my friends.

With a few days to go until I went home, we had a big party for all of them, and I was going to introduce him to Lanee as well.

While I had Arno, as my right and proper mate for this life time, Lanee had Jack. She had been together with Jack in the past in this lifetime, but they had been separated at that time, and she had no idea where he was. The same message I got about being reunited with Arno, Lanee also got about being reunited with Jack.

At about the same time I got involved with Rob, Lanee also met a fragment of Jack’s. For the first time in years she allowed herself this diversion, left the house, and had fun (the mirroring thing)

In any case, the night of the party one of my friends tried to seduce Rob, and almost succeeded. I was livid. With her, with him, with myself. Why could they not just wait the few days before I left?

This was my Karma though. Rob honestly told me after I had arrived in South Africa that he did sleep with my friend the moment I left the country. This hurt quite a bit. It was my Karma.

The other Soul Mate I talked about was also in a relationship when we met. Even though I always said that was not a rule I can break I did. I slept with a man who was in a relationship, and up to that point I could never forgive myself, even though his partner never found out, and it was a once off slip.

The pain of Rob and my friend’s “betrayal” was quite severe, and for the longest time it coloured quite a bit of my life.

I never realised how attached I had gotten, I also never realised that an emotion can become a taste in your mouth. A Thick cloying taste of sweet betrayal. Up to that point I had never realised what I had done in being with someone who was already attached, and this feeling, and the memory of it is one of the only things which later saved me from destroying my own marriage in the same way.

Back to Arno

Before I left the USA Lanee gave me one last tape. She said to listen to it on the aeroplane, and to not be upset. In that message she told me to not actively search for Arno. That her time line had changed and the 2 weeks had become between 3 months and 2 years.

I was very disappointed. I wasn’t sure if I could NOT look for him. He was supposed to find me, and I was supposed to have faith that he would, when the time was right. To be continued…..