Honesty

What I strive for in this blog and in life in general is both intellectual and emotional honesty.

Do I always succeed? I don't know? You'll have to be the judge of that. And feel free to call me out on it. It's an attempt. It's hard to figure out all the unconscious influences we experience day to day. In order to integrate them we do need to become aware of them, and the best way I've ever been able to do that is to either recognise it in others, or have it pointed out to me.

I never just ignore a criticism, be it valid or invalid. It may be hard but I usually try to think about it and be honest with myself. Now the trick is in the honesty with yourself. It's easier to lie to ourselves than to others. In my experience that is. Unless you're a really good public liar I guess.

I struggle to lie to others. My face gives it all away I think, but it's easier for me to lie to myself, and believe it. So one has to be able to admit not only those intellectual faults, but also those yukky emotions.

The hidden dark creepy ones that we don't even want to examine. I struggle a bit there. Intellectual is easier than emotional to me. I usually subdue those feelings, and that leads to withdrawing from those around me. Joking about it is a good way. The way I joke about my super dysfunctional family. Worst is when I just struggle to interact with either my husband or my daughter. I just feel blank. No emotion. Can't be good for her. Can't be nice for him.

Emotionally withdrawing from emotionally damaging situations is okay. Getting so emotionally blunted that one withdraws from those you love, is not okay. I've done the latter. I still do occasionally. I don't know how to stop it yet.

I've had to emotionally withdraw from damaging situations so often that I now do it even when it's not needed. When you subdue your emotions all the time it becomes harder to face up to them, to let them out. To cry, to laugh, to allow yourself to be angry (without projecting onto others)

Thankfully we're addressing this in therapy. I hope that allows me to deal more honestly with those things I feel uncomfortable about.

I often push beyond the discomfort, but I have the sneaky suspicion I'm still protecting myself from a lot of nasty emotions. Things I feel guilty about, things I feel angry about, things I don't like about myself.

Hopefully I can work through it somehow. This blog seems to be one of the ways to get in touch with it.