Low down mucky stickiness

What's really crap about being in a low down depression is

1. Everything you do seems too much effort

2. You feel stuck

3. I don't even feel sad or "depressed" just tired and blah.

4. I'm scared of this 'not feeling' state. It feels like this is how people feel before they do stupid dangerous things.

5. I see Caitlin trying her best to make me react emotionally but I don't know how

6. I can't make the bad thoughts go away

7. Everyone seems to see my reaction of depression as removed from their action in being an asshole. So they say "oh it wasn't me being an asshole that caused it, she's just all screwed up"

Yeah I am but you're still an asshole

No I am not going to jump of a bridge. but fuck it this sucks......

I think it might be the meds making me feel blah. I think i should see a psychiatrist even though I don't have money to pay now.

I want to crawl into a hole. I feel so stupid...so fucking stupid for feeling this

UPDATE: 8 Feb 2012

I started coming out of that funk after 24 hours, could definitely feel a slow improvement. It's quite weird when one pays attention to it. I'm feeling much better, thoughts are normalizing. I did try to force myself to just go on as normal and not just crawl into a hole like I wanted to.

Forcing movement when one feels frozen seems to help.

Now I just need more sleep.

Crash Boom Bang

The sound of me hitting Low. I could not stay awake yesterday. Firstly I can never sleep soundly past 8 on a weekend morning. That's the time my 3 year old wakes up at the latest, and she never allows me to sleep later, so when I first dragged one eyelid from the other at 12pm on Sunday I knew something was wrong.

Physically it is impossible for me to sleep that deeply that long. I wrote it off to having a few drinks the night before, but I did not feel hungover in the slightest, I just felt physically drained. I still do.

I dragged myself to the couch downstairs, attempted to keep my eyes open, and failed miserably. 4 drinks don't do this to me. I spent most of the day in and out of naps on the couch. I attempted to force myself to get up and play with Caitlin but my neck could barely keep my head up. Luckily I seem to have a very patient, and forgiving husband, who kept Caitlin busy and also completed the household tasks.

Eventually he made dinner, we ate. I tried to force myself to bath Caitlin but I couldn't even walk up the stairs. I had to get her out of the bath and dress her, and it was excruciating. I almost fell asleep with her on her bed. Eventually I dragged myself out of there, forced myself to shower and pack her lunch, and fell on my own bed exhausted.

I read a bit and fell asleep at the normal bed time for me. I had a bad night though, tossing and turning. So by this morning I felt like I hadn't slept at all.

I even had a low blood pressure episode when I got up this morning, but managed to get everything done I had to. I feel slightly better than yesterday, but still physically drained.

Now in order for this to be a Bipolar kind of Low, that means I was coming down from up high.

Since last week Wednesday I have been very frustrated and angry, so was that a hypo manic episode? I've been googling symptoms, and irritability is one of them. I just thought it was my hormones.

Saturday I was doing a bit of the "life of the party" thing and I did have a little warning bell go off in my head, but I still thought, nah I'm fine. So I guess maybe it was. It would have to be for me to hit such a physical low, wouldn't it?

Mentally I'm okay, just tired. Thoughts dragging and not really willing to do much. Late Sat night I went out with a friend. The 4 drinks didn't affect me much, physically, but mentally I also started dragging, so maybe it was a combination of factors.

Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, but it very rarely kicks me in a low by itself.

So now I'm just hoping it passes swiftly and I get to go back to a nice level normal.

Life before and after

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Update 26 Jan 2011

I don't think I am Bipolar anymore. I think I have strange up's and downs, and I am probably chemically depressed, but I think people who are seriously suffering under bipolar disorder might be offended by my self diagnosis. For if I am it is very slightly.

I also think I have been handling it well, but might do better if I admitted more of my weaknesses to myself. That's a discussion for a different day though

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Life before I discovered I was Bipolar consisted of normal periods with some very low Depressing lows. Where I was stuck in the dark oily depths of downriver. I knew it was depression. I knew it would pass. I was kind to myself, having been through the therapy and medication route. I had the skills to get through it. I made myself move along and then magically I would wake up one morning, hear a song, talk to a friend, and the darkness was gone.

A lot like the weather in Cape Town, I could never predict the dark times.

I could try and avoid it by not pondering too much on whatever was going on in my life that triggered it, or wallowing in it. Usually the darkness got shattered by overwhelming Joy and Happiness. By the thrill of Life. By periods of Immense Love, Gratitude, and feelings of "I can conquer all" I thought that was good. I wanted that. I still do. I LOVE it. I love the sparkle, the dance, the energy. I love waking up with a song in my mind and a outlook of pure ecstasy at the smallest thing.

I didn't like when the happy energetic medium turned to a flood of frustrated wants and needs, impossible to identify and even harder to satisfy. When I'm sitting wide awake and ready for a party at 1am, and everyone is sleeping. When I am all energised with no where to go. No where to get rid of the itch. Where something, anything exciting had to happen or be created by me in that exact moment.

In between there was calm and there was Joy, but no itch. No frazzle, no frustration, no darkness.

Then the Sunflower Fairy opened my eyes. I never realised what this was. I attributed it to being Libran. To being an old soul. To being spiritually advance as well as lacking. To being.

When I was diagnosed with Depression ( severe), Social Phobia ( not too bad), OCD ( Very specific and never quite fit) I was also medicated ( WOW what a high. LOVED it)
I also did Group Therapy ( So glad I'm not as Messed up as THOSE people)

I did this dance of meds and therapy for 2 years, until I felt able and willing to go it alone. Left therapy. Stayed on the meds. But only up to a point. Then I weaned myself.

Knowing what I do now, I guess going off the Anti-depressant/ Anti-Anxiety meds probably saved my life.

I had done most of my most scarily self destructive things while on Anti=Depressants, and while being on a BiP high. I know it now, didn't know it then.

After my 2nd Suicide attempt I told the dr. I am not depressed. I did it to get attention. He believed me. Maybe I should have told him I did it to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING I was shouting. I need a THRILL. I need to be seen, I need to be heard. I need to EXPLODE. I was intoxicated at the time. Oh how glorious is alcohol. Lifts me right up into BiP high. quite effectively, the only times it doesn't it just puts me to sleep.

So Now I guess it's life after realising the truth about my brain chemicals. And now I see everything quite clearly. For awhile there, just the knowledge of what was going on in my head has been enough to lift me a fraction above normal. I can do this. I can fight this. I am not too bad. I am a responsible adult. I am a mother. My child needs me to beat this.

But it's quite difficult living with the physical symptoms and knowing it can last awhile. I've been very much upriver for the last few weeks. With one or two physical down days. And then this week. I'm physically drained. I feel like a heavy stone thrown in a river. There's no buoyancy at all. I've sunk. I'm right at the bottom. Mentally I am Not depressed. But physically I am tired, drained, and struggling to function.

I hope to get past this within the next week. I need a bit of up. I like Up. Not too high. Not frazzled. Just not so physically tired.

Welcome to my Journey. I need to put it in words in order to figure out myself. I'm trying to find me, keep me and not loose me again. I did that one for a couple of years.

I'm finding me.

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Update