So concerned

I'm feeling so concerned. DH is sitting with,what looks to be major depression coming on, and I feel so powerless to help him.

This is not a place where I would like to discuss his issues, but it is complicated and he needs urgent help.
We can only afford that early next year, but in the mean time I really think I should go to our GP, and see if she would put him on some anti depressants.

It's such a powerless feeling to see someone you love go through something like this. I am constantly worrying about him, and I just want to act in some way to make it better. I know better than most what it means to get sucked into that deep dark hole of depression, and to not have any way of getting out of it.

When it seems there is no room to breathe or move, and you are paralyzed by the depression demon. I think he has been so strong for me for so long, that now when things are going better with me, he has finally allowed himself to feel his own pain.

Now it is my turn to be strong for him, and to find ways of helping him.

I'm getting that internal itch again, which I don't want to give space to grow. If it grows it usually turns into a Manic period, and right now I don't think I am equipped to deal with one of those anymore.

Happy things are happening as well, so I try and focus on that. I just feel this need to do so much, and the ability to do none of it, which creates this imbalance, which leads to those feelings.

Generally I am still doing well. Other than the issues my poor DH is having, my daughter seems to also be going through a rough time.

I think a lot of it has to do with school. She's had 2 obviously depressive episodes in 2 days. Where the tiniest thing has made her extremely sad, and clingy, crying for almost nothing. Where I can see all I need to do is just be there for her.

I need to also talk to my GP about taking her off the Concerta during the December holidays, and seeing if we can go without it until I get her to a psychiatrist as well.

For 3 messed up individuals, we have a good family though. We love each other, and I think because of our issues we have compassion towards each other. This is our saving grace, and keeps us going.

Dealing

I haven't written in a long time. Mostly because I have been avoiding some issues and I have tried to deal with other issues, in different ways.

Things still seem better still I have been providing my brain with nicotine, and it has definitely helped my anxiety issues.

I've been spending a lot of time on studying. I signed up for a couple of course on Coursera. Think Again: How to reason and argue, and Introduction to Philosophy. They are running concurrently right now, so I am neglecting the philosophy one, but I am enjoying having something constructive to do to alleviate my boredom.

I'm currently having some issues with my daughters teacher at school, that have been upsetting to me.

She doesn't seem to be very supportive of her, and have also done some things that are totally unacceptable to me.

A while back my daughter had a conversation with a friend at home about where plants came from, and it touched on evolution. She then had a similar conversation at school and the teacher told her she's not allowed to talk about it. Which I Do Not understand as evolution is in the curriculum, and they are eventually going to study it in science.

I ignored it though, because the year is almost done and I wanted to rather keep the peace.

Then 2 days before Halloween, the teacher had a discussion in class, and according to my daughter she said that Halloween was the devil's birthday. I was so upset I sent her an angry email the moment I found out.
She denied it, but my daughter said she was lying, and I can't imagine that she would just make that up. We have never even discussed the existence of the devil.

Then last night my daughter told me that the teacher regularly threatens kids in the class, with sending them to the principal, where they will be spanked. Spanking in schools are against the law, so this will never happen, and I have a huge problem with controlling kids with fear.

I was quite upset to hear this, but haven't said anything to the teacher. I did tell my daughter that no one is allowed to spank her EVER. Which seemed to make her feel a bit better. I'm just so sad that she's had such a crappy year in Grade one.

I'm now starting to doubt everything this woman has had to say about my child. I really feel that some of my daughter's performance issues can be attributed to this woman's attitude towards her.

I also believe she has a huge problem with our Secular Humanism, and non religion, and me being quite adamant about it.

I'm just hoping next year will be better, as my poor child is already showing signs of anxiety, and does not enjoy school at all. I'm sure this can change if she is in the right class, with a decent teacher.

What a relief

I'm not sure how many people are going to understand this. And to be honest I don't really care. Anyone who has read my blog for the last two years, and who knows me would know that I have been having a hell of a battle against depression, anxiety and plain despondency.

Yes I have been hit hard by life, the universe and everything, but somehow I was struggling with no skills to handle the knocks.

Now I have found something that has instantly improved some of my most urgent problems.
Gone are my concentration issues, my bad memory, my despondency. Away with anxiety, and now I have something to look forward to everyday.

Can it be. All just because I finally accepted and embraced the fact that I have started smoking again. No more tranquilizers needed. I woke up with a smile, I have this joy in my heart. the depression has waned, and I don't know if it will come back, I don't know if this is only temporary. But I have realized once again that my brain just needs nicotine to function well.

Maybe if I had never started smoking in the first place I'd not have this problem, who knows. But I am for once so so happy. I am facing some very daunting challenges right now, but now I can see them as challenges, and not the end of the world. I had another session with my therapist, and even he said he'd rather see me smoking again than become dependent on tranquilizers, where I was heading. Not that they even worked. A smoke worked much more effectively.

Even my dad, before I told him I'd started again, immediately noticed this huge difference in me. So when I told him he admitted that he also thinks it is just gonna be something I need to accept. It's not ideal. But there are worse things. I'm hiding it from my daughter as much as I can though.

She already has a lot of anxiety about my husband who smokes, and I don't want to add to that.

So be happy for me. I am happy again. I sincerely hope it lasts. Trying to keep it to the minimum to cut costs, but immediately I have lost my carb cravings, so maybe now I can lose some weight, and come off some expensive drugs for blood pressure.

I have noticed that I can't drink any alcohol because it immediately messes with my blood pressure, whereas the smoking doesn't noticeably affect it.

I'm looking forward to life again. I'm inspired again. I'm happy again.